Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
