he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
