textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
