He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
