one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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