every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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