Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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