he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
