I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
