no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
