So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
