new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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