i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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