my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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