I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
please come you make the beer taste better
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
