By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
