Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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