hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
