1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
