good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
