it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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