she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
