I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
