Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
