After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
