I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
