I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
