the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
