What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
