my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
