Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
