I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I still have a little drunk in my system
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
