The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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