Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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