The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
