I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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