Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
