At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
