got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
