I faked an abortion last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
