You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
