We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
