She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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