After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
