she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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