I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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