It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
