I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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