3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
