Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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