I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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