Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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