we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
