Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
